Coming out is still a personal, difficult journey

Filmmaker Lilly Wachowski came out yesterday as transgender after facing pressure to do so. Photo from Windy City Media.

Recent events in different arenas have underscored the difficulty people have with coming out.

Namely, filmmaker Lilly Wachowski, one half of the Wachowski siblings, came out yesterday as transgender after a tabloid reporter pressured her. Of course, her sister Lana Wachowski had come out as transgender in 2012.

The same day, Chicago Tribune sportswriter Chris Hine came out as gay in a column during which he ripped the NFL for its lack of progress on addressing gay issues.

Hine’s column underscored the difficulties faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and other people facing questions about their sexual identities. He used the obnoxious line of questioning directed toward former Ohio State cornerback Eli Apple by Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel, who asked if he was gay. Hine wrote that Apple, who denied being gay, said the Falcons assistant insinuated that there were a lot of gay men in Atlanta.

Falcons head coach Dan Quinn quickly addressed Manuel’s question, saying he was “disappointed.”

“I have spoken to the coach that interviewed Eli Apple and explained to him how inappropriate and unprofessional this was,” Quinn said. “I have reiterated this to the entire coaching staff and I want to apologize to Eli for this even coming up.”

Even though Manuel also apologized to Apple, Quinn, the Falcons and the fans and said he learned from the incident, the fact that the question even came up deserves more than strongly-worded press releases and pledges to attend sensitivity training. Hine’s column highlighted his own difficult coming out process, writing that he wrestled with the question for many years before he finally was able to accept that he was gay when he was 20. He’s 29 now.

In her coming out story to Windy City Media, a Chicago-area LGBT media group, Lilly Wachowski took a humorous approach despite the pressure.

“SEX CHANGE SHOCKER — WACHOWSKI BROTHERS NOW SISTERS!!!” began the story as Lilly Wachowski strove to regain control from the Daily Mail reporter who pressured her into coming out. Lilly Wachowski, previously known as Andy Wachowski, called for a change in how people discuss gender issues.

“We need to elevate the dialogue beyond the simplicity of binary. Binary is a false idol.”

From my own experience, coming out as LGBTQI – with the “Q” standing for “queer” – which I hate because of its history as a pejorative term or “questioning” and the I standing for “intersex,” even in 2016 with same sex marriage legal nationwide, is still considered a courageous act by some. It certainly wasn’t easy for me, as I wasn’t able to come out to anyone until I was well past my 24th birthday.

Even then, I felt lucky. My birth father is also gay; I refer to his partner as my “other dad.” By and large, many of my friends have accepted me, with two good friends even asking “which one?” at times when I just referred to “my father” or “my dad.” I certainly didn’t – and don’t – feel very courageous. I still have moments when I’m nervous about coming out to someone or confronting someone who’s too loose with an offensive word.

Yes, I’m well aware that courage isn’t the absence of fear, as President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said. Still, confronting someone for casually using the word “faggot,” or dismissively calling something “gay,” even in a joking manner isn’t always either easy or safe.

Even with those thoughts in mind, these stories – even though they occupy in different “worlds” in American entertainment culture – are a reminder of how far we still have to go before we no longer describe coming out as being an act of courage.