Coming out is still a personal, difficult journey

Filmmaker Lilly Wachowski came out yesterday as transgender after facing pressure to do so. Photo from Windy City Media.

Recent events in different arenas have underscored the difficulty people have with coming out.

Namely, filmmaker Lilly Wachowski, one half of the Wachowski siblings, came out yesterday as transgender after a tabloid reporter pressured her. Of course, her sister Lana Wachowski had come out as transgender in 2012.

The same day, Chicago Tribune sportswriter Chris Hine came out as gay in a column during which he ripped the NFL for its lack of progress on addressing gay issues.

Hine’s column underscored the difficulties faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and other people facing questions about their sexual identities. He used the obnoxious line of questioning directed toward former Ohio State cornerback Eli Apple by Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel, who asked if he was gay. Hine wrote that Apple, who denied being gay, said the Falcons assistant insinuated that there were a lot of gay men in Atlanta.

Falcons head coach Dan Quinn quickly addressed Manuel’s question, saying he was “disappointed.”

“I have spoken to the coach that interviewed Eli Apple and explained to him how inappropriate and unprofessional this was,” Quinn said. “I have reiterated this to the entire coaching staff and I want to apologize to Eli for this even coming up.”

Even though Manuel also apologized to Apple, Quinn, the Falcons and the fans and said he learned from the incident, the fact that the question even came up deserves more than strongly-worded press releases and pledges to attend sensitivity training. Hine’s column highlighted his own difficult coming out process, writing that he wrestled with the question for many years before he finally was able to accept that he was gay when he was 20. He’s 29 now.

In her coming out story to Windy City Media, a Chicago-area LGBT media group, Lilly Wachowski took a humorous approach despite the pressure.

“SEX CHANGE SHOCKER — WACHOWSKI BROTHERS NOW SISTERS!!!” began the story as Lilly Wachowski strove to regain control from the Daily Mail reporter who pressured her into coming out. Lilly Wachowski, previously known as Andy Wachowski, called for a change in how people discuss gender issues.

“We need to elevate the dialogue beyond the simplicity of binary. Binary is a false idol.”

From my own experience, coming out as LGBTQI – with the “Q” standing for “queer” – which I hate because of its history as a pejorative term or “questioning” and the I standing for “intersex,” even in 2016 with same sex marriage legal nationwide, is still considered a courageous act by some. It certainly wasn’t easy for me, as I wasn’t able to come out to anyone until I was well past my 24th birthday.

Even then, I felt lucky. My birth father is also gay; I refer to his partner as my “other dad.” By and large, many of my friends have accepted me, with two good friends even asking “which one?” at times when I just referred to “my father” or “my dad.” I certainly didn’t – and don’t – feel very courageous. I still have moments when I’m nervous about coming out to someone or confronting someone who’s too loose with an offensive word.

Yes, I’m well aware that courage isn’t the absence of fear, as President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said. Still, confronting someone for casually using the word “faggot,” or dismissively calling something “gay,” even in a joking manner isn’t always either easy or safe.

Even with those thoughts in mind, these stories – even though they occupy in different “worlds” in American entertainment culture – are a reminder of how far we still have to go before we no longer describe coming out as being an act of courage.

'Bathroom bill' shot down in South Dakota, at least for now

Gov. Dennis Daugaard (R-S.D.) vetoed legislation on Tuesday that would have restricted transgender students' use of bathrooms that correspond to their birth genders.

South Dakota Gov. Dennis Daugaardʼs veto on Tuesday of legislation that would have restricted access to restrooms and locker rooms in elementary and high schools in the state does not necessarily shut the door on an ugly piece of legislation. 

However, the fact that the Republican governor has sent the bill back to the state House of Representatives and its initial sponsor, Rep. Fred Deutsch (R-Dist. 4) has asked his House colleagues not to override Daugaardʼs veto of House Bill 1008, saying an override would detract from the accomplishments of the overwhelmingly Republican state legislature, which has so-called super-majorities in both houses, seemingly points to changes in attitudes toward the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities nationwide.

The bill, “does not address any pressing issue concerning the school districts of South Dakota,” Daugaard wrote in a letter sent to House Speaker Dean Wink. “Local school districts can, and have, made necessary restroom and locker room accommodations that serve the best interests of all students, regardless of biological sex or gender identity.ˮ

The veto comes despite earlier reports that Daugaard initially supported the bill, and did not happen without incendiary boiler-plate comments from bill supporters.

“Iʼm sorry if youʼre so twisted you donʼt know who you are,” state Sen. David Omdahl (R-Dist. 11) said when asked about the bill last month, according to foxnews.com. “Iʼm telling you right now, itʼs about protecting the kids, and I donʼt even understand where our society is these days.”

Omdahlʼs comment was not only vitriolic and patently offensive, it was ignorant. Ignorant in its offensiveness and ignorant of the facts, as experts debunked the fear-mongering arguments and scare tactics used by people like Omdahl.

For his part, Daugaard said he wanted to study the legislation and met with three transgender people to hear their stories. Previously, Daugaard said he had never knowingly met anyone who was transgender.

The bill garnered nationwide attention, as CNN reported that South Dakota could have become the first state to restrict bathroom access by gender of birth. Hudson Taylor, founder and executive director of Athlete Ally, an organization founded to promote support of LGBT causes by straight athletes, spoke out against the legislation on ESPN's Outside the lines.

With South Dakotaʼs senate consisting of 27 Republicans and eight Democrats and the house of representatives consisting of 58 Republicans and 12 Democrats, a strict party-line vote would easily override Daugaardʼs veto despite Deutschʼs request. A two-thirds majority of elected senators and representatives voting to override Daugaardʼs veto.

That alone is a painful reminder that the threat of bills such as this still exists, particularly in places that are hostile grounds for anyone who identifies as LGBT.

Itʼs certainly good news that Daugaard vetoed the legislation, even if it may have been done more out of fear of potential litigation than out of a heroic need to protect an especially vulnerable minority of South Dakotans. However, if the legislature voted strictly along party lines to override Daugaardʼs veto, it would serve as little more than hollow symbolism.

Regardless of the outcome in Pierre, the task for all LGBT people and their allies remains painfully obvious.

In the immediate wake of a bill that came perilously close to becoming law, now is not the time for advocates within the LGBT community to broach the prospect of removing the “T” for transgender people, as Iʼve seen some discussion sites ponder on Facebook.

Every fight for equality by any oppressed minority has needed help from people in a position to provide it, such as whites marching in Selma, Ala., men fighting for equal rights for women or straight people fighting for marriage equality. “Dropping the ‘T’ would be irresponsible at such an early stage in the battle for transgender equality.

Until the ugly attitudes such as Omdahlʼs and people like him espouse become a footnote in history, the fight for full equality is anything but finished. Attitudes such as his prove that the real fight is just beginning.